


Lacuna

by mag_and_mac



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Identity Reveal, LadyNoir - Freeform, SADrien, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Thanks for the prompt, Written for Acerbus, my poor children, sadrien angstgreste
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 01:30:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14885060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mag_and_mac/pseuds/mag_and_mac
Summary: There was something of desperation swirling in his usually sunny, green eyes that made her heart hurt in a sick, twisted way that it never had before.“He’s nothing but a pretty face and a polite smile. He’snothing." His vision was blurry, but he pretended not to notice. "I… I hate, Ihatehim. So, so much.”“Chat, if you’re jealous, or something-”He let out a sharp, empty bark of laughter that made Ladybug’s stomach churn.“Adrien Agreste,” He started, “Is the last person I’deverbe jealous of.”It's a scary thing, accepting that you don't exist; That the 'you' the world seems to love is nothing more than a lie that even you want to believe.





	1. An Empty Space

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Acerbus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acerbus/gifts).



Chat Noir, contrary to what she thought, had a pretty good idea about who Ladybug’s crush was. He could see it every time they passed one of his posters on patrol, or when he saw Ladybug panic for his safety during akuma attacks in ways that he could never dream of her worrying for him in the suit.

He had always known in the back of his mind that he _was_ Adrien, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted, just once, for someone to love the real him.

And especially that night? After a fight with his father, and another surprise photo shoot that caused him to flake on his friends _again_? After another day of fake smiles, and tutor after tutor telling him he wasn’t good enough? He was _tired_.

-

“Hey, ‘Bug.” He called lightly as his boots touched the cool concrete of the rooftop.

“What?” She joked as she turned to face him, “No ‘My lady’s tonight?”

“Yeah…,” He breathed mildly, “I guess so.”

"Kitty, are you alright?” She paused in concern.

“Hmm?” He focused his gaze on her as though he had just noticed she was there.

She pressed the back of her gloved hand against her partner’s forehead, and was only mildly shocked when she found no temperature.

“What’s got you down?”

He offered up a small caricature of his usual grin, before answering. “Nothing, ‘Bug. Ready to patrol?”

“Sit down,” She begged him, already lowering herself down to the floor. He did as she instructed.

"Something you want to talk about?" She began.

“Please stay.” He muttered as though he already knew she would leave, regardless of his plea.

She watched him carefully, taking note of his flattened ears and dull eyes. “I was never trying to go, Chaton.” She replied with a voice just as quiet as his.

If he heard her, he made no indication of it.

“What’s wrong?” She prodded gently, watching as the gentle breeze tousled his already-messy hair.

“I’m fine, ’Bug.” He supplied after a moment.

She watched his downcast face briefly. “No,” She answered, voice shaky, “No, you’re not.”

He finally allowed his gaze to meet hers. Ladybug was slightly surprised. Everything about her partner was usually so extravagant and attention seeking. She would have never pictured him to cry in the silent, crumbling way he was doing now, instead imagining a loud bawl. He pursed his lips in a second of hesitation before he spoke. His voice broke as he whispered, “What’s wrong with me?”

Ladybug allowed the briefest look of surprise to pass her face before it settled into concern. She cupped his face with her hand and used her thumb to wipe a stray tear from his cheek as she answered, “Nothing, Kitty. You’re my perfect Chaton.”

“No,” He breathed almost silently, “No. Not even my own family could love me.”

Ladybug suppressed a gasp. She would have to ask him about that later. “Chat…,”

He looked down again. “Who is he?”

“Hmm?” She prompted softly.

“This person you like so much. You’re in love, I can tell.”

“I- I can’t...”

“I know.” He mumbled. “Are they nice?”

“Chat, what’s wrong?” She was crying, too.

Chat Noir said nothing as he reached his hand up to his face, not surprised when he pulled back and the fingertips glistened with water.

“Kitty?”

“I’m sorry, ‘Bug.”

“Chat, are you okay?” She begged.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” Chat gestured to a billboard gently.

“I-”

“You’re really obvious.” He chuckled softly.

“Yeah...”

Chat offered Ladybug a hollow parody of a smile, and he left her again wondering what went wrong.

It was a full half a minute before he continued, “He doesn’t exist, you know.”

“I-I’m sorry?”

“Adrien. He doesn’t-,” A small, crumbling sob interrupted his sentence before he continued, even more quietly than before, “He doesn’t exist.”

“Chat, what happened?”

“He’s a _fake_. He’s a _liar_. You-,” He paused to catch his shaky breath, “You hate liars, right?”

“I-I don’t understand.”

There was something of desperation swirling in his usually sunny, green eyes that made her heart hurt in a sick, twisted way that it never had before.

“He’s nothing but a pretty face and a polite smile. He’s _nothing_." His vision was blurry, but he pretended not to notice. "I… I hate, I _hate_ him. So, so much.”

“Chat, if you’re jealous, or something-”

He let out a sharp, empty bark of laughter that made Ladybug’s stomach churn.

“Adrien Agreste,” He started, “Is the last person I’d _ever_ be jealous of.”

She stared at him, longing to know where her cheerful partner had went.

 _“Trust me.”_ He finished, and the broken look in his eyes told her that the two-word request had implications well above her love affairs.

“I do.” She breathed, “Of course, I do.”


	2. Or a Gap That Can Be Filled.

“Hey, Chat!” The spotted heroine greeted as she sat herself down next to her partner after a long patrol, “My side looked crime free.”

“Same here, except for one mugging. He ran as soon as he saw me, though.” Chat Noir answered.

“Ooh, scary kitty.” She teased him.

“ _Your_ scary kitty.” He flirted right back.

“Always.” She answered, leaning her head against his shoulder.

Five minutes of silence passed before he broke it.

“You’re awfully thoughtful tonight.”

“Yeah…,”

“Something bothering you?”

Ladybug sat up straight again and tried to meet his eyes, but he was still watching the city that surrounded them.

“I was talking to my kwami earlier.” She explained.

She received a hum in response.

“She told me it would be good for us to reveal ourselves.”

Chat hesitated, “I-I’m not sure if that’s such a great idea, ‘Bug.”

“You what?” She sputtered.

“I’m not sure we should have a reveal anymore.” He repeated.

“B-But,”

“I said ‘no’, Ladybug.” He warned gently.

“But you’ve been begging all these years! My kwami gave me the okay, and I feel ready, and it’s my fault it took so long in the first pl-”

“Ladybug, I don’t want to!” He snapped, but immediately looked remorseful for his irritation. "I can't...," He allowed, more quietly. 

“But why now? After all this time, why?”

“I-” He finally turned to face her, and she could see the tears of frustration that were pricking his eyes.  
“What, Chat?”

“All those things I told you that night on the rooftop? If you find out who I am, you’ll know what I really meant,” He whispered, “And, _I’m not ready for that._ ”

Ladybug’s gaze softened. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m sure whatever you meant can’t be that bad.”

He let out a hollow snort. “It can’t be that bad?” His voice broke as he repeated himself, “It can’t be that bad? Of course. Of course it can't. Why do _I_ never get to have problems?" 

Ladybug's eyes widened as she realized she'd struck a nerve. "Chat, I-" 

"Why do I have to be a perfect model child for everyone, and completely hide who I am from everyone? Why am I not allowed to eat what I want, or feel emotion, or cry at my mother's funeral!?" 

"You- I- Chat..." 

He bit his tongue. "I'm sorry, Ladybug." He murmured, barely audible, "I didn't mean to get upset." 

"Chat, it's okay." 

_"Is it? I told you that I hate myself, and now you want an identity reveal, so-” He spat, but trailed off quickly._

__

__

His eyes widened along with Ladybug’s as the implications of what he said sunk in.

“Adrien?” She asked hesitantly.

He looked down in response.

“God, Adrien.” She nearly tripped over herself in her haste to give him a hug.

“I’m sorry.” Came his thick whisper.

“Don’t be.”

He was silent as she pulled back from the hug. He hadn't really realized he was crying until she used her thumb to wipe a tear from the side of his face, just as she had all those nights ago on the roof.

“Tikki, spots off.” She whispered.

Chat stumbled backwards. “Ladybug, you don’t have to-” He was interrupted by a pink flash of light.

“Marinette?” He breathed.

She walked forwards again. “We’ll get you through this, okay?”

A heartbeat passed.

He took a shaky breath as he agreed, “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like this chapter very much, and I'll probably write a different one and put that up in the near future. <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [You love the me that is behind an invisible mask](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15444903) by [Brainmuncher](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brainmuncher/pseuds/Brainmuncher)




End file.
